January 29, 2019
What it’s like to go from the Doug Fir portables to the blue line station by constantly spinning and jabbing with knives in one unending fluid motion. Either the air was cut or wind was being made in cymatic-esque shapes; partially geometric, partially biological. Woke up with this very early and opted to go back to sleep rather than write down the rest, which is now gone,
January 19, 2019
Danielle was a big metal H and had a number of identical little boys in yellow shirts and jean shorts hanging off of her.
January 18, 2019
Woke up trying to put something into a big, thinking a looped around portion of my blanket was the bag.
January XX, 2019
One dream that involved a shrunken dog the size of a small potato. A floppy hound of some sort, blind with white eyes and a black down in the center, surrounded by a black circle on the edge of the eyeball. He was friendly and bounced around. The tiger, on the other hand, was very bitey. At one point people were tearing off their own arms and legs and shoving them down their throat, biting down, and then pull the bones back out. Like they do in the cartoons, only not very pleasant. This one wasn’t recoded immediately and so a lot was lost.
Just passed out at the dinner table and had a hallicination that ended with opening the door of a convenicen store for an asian woman who was crawling around on the ground. I said “It’s safe to get your shopping happening” and she crawled inside. Not sure what had happened just prior.
December 27, 2018
Structures in the backyard and maybe elsewhere. Just a foundation of concrete and part of a frame. Was supposed to finish the construction and place large box fans for the purpose of racing. It was Christmas and I was getting something for my brother and sister based on the Gameboy Advance, though it was custom because everything is too expensive and they don't like the same games / or I'm not sure what they'd want. At some point there were a number of people in the house and my behavioral issues were noticeable. Instead of backing it up as something I can't control, Danielle made fun of it and eventually left with someone. Got a call from a person somewhere they had been, a receptionist of some sort maybe. and it turned out this person with her was a psychopath. Drank a bunch of vodka on ice while laying on the stove and countertop. Don't particularly care what else happened, as she's dead and I can't give her anything.
December 16, 2018
Our smallest cat had rabies or something. Wouldn't stop biting or scratching and so I had to put him in a bag and beat him to death with a hammer. When I was done I opened the bag and poured out a lot of blood and teeth. Afterwards I couldn't remember whether or not what he did / what was going on with him actually warranted that response.
December 14, 2018
Many forgotten things, but a new style of ninja mask is not among them. White face paint, red lipstick with an elongated mouth, dark black around eyes (possibly black contact lenses) and a thick red stripe of red lipstick under the right eye. I can remember thinking that it seemed weird, but that it made sense. After all, when magic, wizards, vampires, aliens, religious figures, etc. turn out to be real, it’s never quite like the stories told about them.
November 27, 2018
Protests happening, stuck on skid row. Some sketchy homeless guys are heading down to the action to sell bottled water to them. Wind up in a taxi headed to a $100 million dollar home on an island above Portland, next to a huge lake. Circular road. I can see it by zooming out (shrug). Danielle is there, as are some other people I know, but don't because they're not real. Couldn't figure out how to download the taxi payment app, and the woman who was driving knocked all of my pizza bites all over the floor, not acknowledging that she had done so. Home is huge, but poorly furnished with a pile of vacuums somewhere they don't belong. The owner is a really well dressed tall dude with a complex stereo that we can't figure out how to turn down. He's kind of an asshole, but I also don't belong there. I casually slip my pajama pants back on (shrug again) so nobody sees my wiener, and Justin Bieber and some other celebrities that aren't real show up. Later we find out Justin is really sad because his girlfriend is nuts and making him emotionally unstable, and I don't really give a shit, but other people do (like my roomate, who has a big calculator, then I have it and am trying to fix the battery door with scotch tape). Michael shows up at some point in a Goodwill suit covered in weird white patches, carrying with him a bag with a ball of Special rice in it. My cat Yuri suddenly shows up and maybe has a huge tumor on his back. Then Hazel is there, who is mine now, and doesn't get along with the tiny black chihuahua mutt that already lives there. Sometimes Hazel looks dead and is inside a plexiglass case on the floor. My phone screen breaks and I know I'm fucked because I don't use a case and didn't buy the extra insurance. Finally we're leaving and the guy that owns the house is nice to and hugs everyone but me. I'm finally being treated outwardly in proportion to how crazy I am. On the way to wherever I was going we passed by a McDonald’s blasting rap, only it turned out to be a rap thing happening outside of it, and some dude shoulder bumped me at random, but I did it wrong because I don’t know how to do that shit.
November 11, 2018
Incomprehensible. Spycams, alternative realities, unreal homes, donuts in marketplaces in foreign countries that don’t exist, a dented up expensive sports car.
November 6th, 2018
Opened the door to my room from the hallway and saw that I was still in bed.
October 24, 2018
Alerted to someone outside the window. Grab a sword (katana) and head outside. Long way around through the bushes, but as I get close he is standing there; knew I was coming. It's someone familiar and dangerous. Illuminated. Maybe a Ryan of some sort. Switching to third person, I drop my sword and take "that" approach to the scenario. Thankfully he doesn't disembowel me. Something happens and there's a room from above and some weird geometry going on... walls changing shape, sort of like a pac man map, but ancient-temple-like. Somehow this transitions into being chased by some sort of frightening authority, and this takes place along a road that transitions out of the Universe / existence. The road goes from dirt to having some lines of raised dirt that says "END LINE" above it... as I try to cross them it gets harder and harder to move, and the authority gets closer. Eventually something breaks and it gets easier, but the environment starts to disintegrate. It does so further and begins to turn black and white, and starts to look like ASCII art... starting out full and then becoming sparse. The light from the authority fades, and disappears altogether as I make a left off the road and into a sea of numbers. Then everything disappears. After a bit I'm traveling back in time with Shawn Creeden in a luxury monster truck down a freeway at stupid speeds, because we've only got an hour to get somewhere and do something. One chance to change what happened. There's a weird vent at the top / back of the cab and it takes me a minte to get it back in after I screwed with it; turns out I was trying to do so backwards. We're smashing through cars on the freeway and then I've got to jump out and fight this super-powered guy. Despite having telekinetic powers and bright white/blue eye-lasers, I can't seem to hit him because he moves super fast, like the Agent from The Matrix. Eventually I nail him a few times thanks to psychokinetically throwing cars at him from one side and attacking from the other. Classic. Later it turns out that he let me win because he was or wasn't drinking a 40 of Old English 800, and was kind of friendly. Can't remember if we wasted our time going back in time or not. Later I was asked to give an artists talk at 4pm -- the same time as a much more fancier talk -- about a residency I had. I was asked to explain it to the room of important people, but got about 10 words in before they started talking over me. About 5 people showed up and my powerpoint was a piece of shit, so I rambled about wishing I had a PDF... and then a bunch of stuff I'm not willing to repeat happen, and this guy scolded me for mentioning that 90% of an art practice was dealing with administrative bullshit. Good on him, though that pony tail and suit were in poor taste. There was also some old woman that wouldn't talk. When my laptop went to shit and the TV refused to turn off, Alex lent me his, but the video I was going to show kept switching to some goofy ass drama with Colin Farrrelll (however it is spelled), and he set it up around the corner on a smaller screen. How the hell was anyone supposed to see it? Too late to move it, though. Already spent way too much time screwing around. Cats, rooms connected to rooms, transporting bedding as quiet as possible, but someone put a bunch of cameras on the blanket.
October 12 - 13, 2018
XXXXXXXXXXXX. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. XXXXXXXXXXXXX. Something about Bill Murray running a shopping mall spaceship, farm animals running loose, aliens teleporting on board to threaten us. MFA studios in space. Average guitars. 1-3 second time loop during which a little bit of memory could cross over. Took 9 billion years to slowly work towards a solution. Also this: “I just finished it, and didn't get it tubbed until the baloney nurse.” Log elaborate but lost.
October 20, 2018
Pre-teen / early teen male with a dark mohawk comes sliding out the birth canal. Before that a looping scenario in a building that involved me having a gun that was not quite a sniper rifle, but still long range. I was happy about that, pretty great LCD sight on it. I kept trying to sneak off so I could shoot the big bombs that the British people were bringing in, because it’d blow us all up and that was funny. Real life team-killing I guess. Then there was some kind of demons involved called Travelers, but I only saw one when I was back in time and heard it talking to my brother through a foggy sliding glass door. Each time I looped back through time to that point I rushed to get in the room, and finally caught a glimpse. The traveler was some kind of dorky ass kid in the back yard. I called him out for what he was, and as he ran off into the bushes I unleashed a rather impressive string of compound obscenities. Something else about an electrical storm and a kid trying to drown himself in a bathtub, which seems really hard to do.
October 13, 2018
It is illegal for professional basketball players to sign their shorts for fans while wearing them over their head.
October 12, 2018
I’ve checked your eye levels at the levels of scholarships.
October 12, 2018
Found a gateway to another dimension, full of magic. Everything was short; I didn't belong there. it was hard to get around and therefore dangerous. The entrance was somewhere weird in the house, but I can't remember. Somewhere else, in a fancy hotel, there were people I knew trying to badly speak German and I suspected it was some kind of spy thing. They kept trying to check each others' underwear in nonchalant ways, though I'm not sure why. Back at the house I had to move to another house, I think my grandmother's, and had trouble finding another portal at first. Ian was there and seemed pretty excited about stealing string cheese from the freezer. At some point later my grandfather was still alive, yet demented, and couldn't see that my uncle Gary was coming, but we could get messages from him and others in the other dimension through some kind of handheld LCD screen thing. Gary drove up in a car, I could see him, and when we told my grandpa he started crying and had some weird slivers of teeth falling out. Maybe he was still dead, maybe we all were. Before that happened though, I was with some other family and this normally friendly, slimy beast, kind of like an eel in an alligator shape or a primordial predatory lungfish or something, ate my cat Yuri. Yuri eventually ripped his way out and we had a bit of a laugh because he was running around the uard all happy, but was absolutely drenched in blood and flinging it all over the place. At some other point in the dream I was with some family and we went to this site where an ancestor did something, I can't remember, in relation to this barn. Some workers there confirmed and said they had noved it. Heading into the barn, it was now a house, and I could transmute ice... such as harden and smooth it into a weapon. Some assholes came around checking and I was supposed to pretend I couldn't, but wound up using my power to lay out a bunch of these guys.
October 7, 2018
Dad said I was gonna be an arrowhead. Tears in my eyes, I still hated China. Had to get back into the controller area before we had to go.
October 6, 2018
Woke ,myself up jiggling about because I fell down a flight of stairs.
October 6, 2018
RV, tight spaces, some kind of murder-molester, and we backed up into a corner, flashlights in hand. Later I or someone else murdered half the male cast of Weeds, cracked their heads open on the sidewalk. Tried to go somewhere, but half a block or two after walking to my car, realized I didn't bring it with me.
October 4, 2018
Amazing movie trailer on repeat; must've played it 100 times. Ultimate maritime-based kung fu thriller with specific repeating scenes -- woman jumping into ocean that turned out not to be ocean, man sinking to the bottom, hitting the ground next to two underwater kung fu guys and saying "bye" and then dematerializing and continuing to sink through the floor. Super cool 20-barrel roll super flying roundhouse kicks that send people flying through multiple walls. Kung fu action gangster dudes in gold pajamas. Another scene where there's a guy sinking down and some kind of underwater vehicle thing zooms by.
October 1, 2018
Men with dreadlocks crawling through the bushes, their organs hanging out of massive wounds, dragging behind them. They're casting spells, and I didn't like it. This is possibly a world with no sun.
September 4, 2018
Returned Sheryl Crow's bass guitar. Trump nuked China.
June 15, 2018
Hit the road with older chubbier Beans after he robbed a toll booth of poker chips, telling drivers that his parents owned all of them and he was just there collecting the profits. After a bit I asked him how the car worked from the angle we were sitting in the movie we we're in, because he couldn't possibly have driven straight from where he was sitting. Inside the grocery store we stopped at I hung out in this break room with some scary bikers that turned out to be okay. I could tell they we're scary for sure when one walked in with a crazy scar on his face that had a devil's face tattooed in it. My cats were there and hung out with with weird white, black and yellow cats that lived there. I thought John Oliver was a cat, but then realized he was a dog... But then was like, what's the difference between cats and dogs? Maybe he has been a cat the whole time. Danielle showed up and kept wasting money on this thing where you pay 75 cents to roll a wooden D20 and if it lands right, you get something. I was then mesmerized by the physics of my chocolate almond milk as it moved to fill space after I flipped the glass upside-down when it was nearly empty. Next thing I know, we are in an old house and there's spider eggs all over the place. Went about getting people to squish them for me with a paint knife, and Then a big snake showed up wearing a belt and my dad fought it, rolling around like an alligator.
May 25, 2018
Just spent the better part of 40 minutes laying flat on my face, asleep, trying to throw up two erasers I thought I ate in my dream. Pissed off a few people because I occupied the bathroom furthest away from the bulk of the party so I'd call less attention to the fact that I was jamming my fingers down my throat and shoving my head in the toilet trying to hork.
Glad I didn't actually hork. Not glad it's 5:40am.
May 7, 2018
Something went wrong with the car. Lights in dash: sector malfunction or something. FBI Warning. Lost power, but then it was okay. Had a manic episode and drove around like a crazy person, doing donuts and screeching all over the place, going over curbs etc. Upon arriving home some balding guy I had never seen before came to the door and asked me some questions as if he knew me, but they were about someone else. Was I secretly someone else and had lost my memories? Probably. Next thing I know, there's a gorilla attack -- it was Grod, only smaller. He started fucking up the whole house, which turned into a castle. He was running through walls and stuff and tearing the whole thing down. Someone cast a rubber ball spell that got him stuck in this big orange ball thing, after which he bounced uncontrollably into the distance. This wasn't going to last, but it was a relief. There was also a witch that wore drapes and could change her age at will and some other stuff.
April 23, 2018
Kept in dark boxes underground, banned art, eventually we were all let out but the Russians kept putting little wires in my pants and my burritos that could listen in. Tried to control the information going out, but nobody was sure how many bugs there were. Business meetings with old guys, including Patrick Stewart and Bill Lumbergh. Weird naked handstands and eventually vampire-zombies. At some point I could fly and see GPS directions IRL. After almost being hit by a few trains I transformed into a rebooted alt version of Buffy. Ran from a horde along GPS lines from night into day, through crowds, and eventually to some kind of vampire-zombie bar where I ran right passed Spike and whipped the shit out of two vampire-zombies, crushing one's lower jaw in my hand.
March 29, 2018
Was watching British show Zelta Bray, which consisted of a number of ensemble freeze frames, during which the camera would zoom in on someone who looked like they had an erection, but it was only a prop of some sort... then it would continue zooming in on their ridiculous facial expression, giving you a look at details you would've otherwise missed. Pretty sure Simon Pegg was in there and had a turkey baster in his pants. Everyone was wearing blue-grey jumpsuits, and the entire set was either grey, white, or blue-grey in every scene.
March 22, 2018
Took over a grocery store. May or may not have fought the cops.
March 21, 2018
All baseball hats had multicolor plastic, padded chinstraps.
March 10, 2018
Are those birds in the distance over the forest, or a cloud of flesh eating shimmer bugs? Not sure, but the latter is unpleasant. Had to get out to the mini-cabins and grab all of the specialty Reeses bars (one had little lumps of butter) and protect all of my shit from random passerbys. There were no doors and nobody owned anything. Had a wonderful early to mid 90s stereo setup out there, but it was a pain in the ass because you had to shut it off with two power buttons and I kept getting confused. Back home I opened the door and a black bear shoved its way in, with another coming behind it. I know you're supposed to freeze or play dead so the bears fuck off, but as it turns out that's kind of hard to do when you have bears in your face, so I kept moving through the house and somehow they got tricked to go back out the door. Just outside this squirrel the size of a football dropped off these nut bits that came from a nut that must've been prehistoric or something because the pieces were huge and I kept dropping them trying to pick it all up. Later I was in some kind of futuristic Rome going down a stone waterslide with no water and no sides, all the way down to a Goodwill / Trader Joes hybrid where I stole two shirts and helped some lady out who was trying to buy a CD-ROM / phonograph hybrid. I lied about what was wrong, got called out, and admitted it, but saved myself by saying something clever. At some point back home I found a box with all of my old punk rock studded belts and shit.
January 1, 2018
I shouldn't have been driving; Danielle pissed me off and I ran one and a half red lights due to degraded reaction time. Stopped on a street and walked to a house owned by someone we apparently knew. He was walking around shirtless and had really boring furnishings, sort of like a cross between a teenager and a drug dealer. Possibly satin sheets. Really accommodating dude, though, and his wife was around but I only caught a glimpse of her face once. Unfortunately Danielle had brought a pet baby / pre-teen giraffe that she had picked up somewhere. It looked like a cross between a bear and a rot weiller (cute in the face, but a big muscular front end with a tiny back end and tiny legs), and eventually started getting really aggressive and bitey. At some point it crossed the line to where I felt like it had gone crazy and was just gonna kill some people, and it bit the shit out of my arm and wouldn't let go. I dragged it around for a bit and maybe tried punching it in the face, but I think my fist bounced off. By this time a whole party had started up, and once I got loose I started throwing handfuls of these two types of pills at it, which it ate. Danielle said something like "only give it two of each," but I thought fuck that, how will I know how many it'll want to scoop up off the ground? They didn't put it down, but it got woozy, so I tried cracking it over the head with a big piece of lumber. Not sure what happened after that with it, but at some point it wasn't our problem anymore (though I was afraid Danielle would be arrested at some point for abandoning an exotic animal). I remember looking up giraffe attacks on Wikipedia and not only confirming that giraffe's hold this bear/dog form when they're young, but have a "taste of blood" complex where unlike most animals, their attacks aren't consciously about causing harm... until they do. Then they're vicious as fuck. The Wikipedia entry compared them to some kind of terrifying dinosaur, saying the giraffe's were worse, and showing an illustration of them looking like a giant evil plaguebeast that looked like a cross between a vulture and a hippo. Next thing I know I'm in downtown Corvallis, and there's this artist with a red collared shirt and messy blond hair / beard, to where you can't see his face, and for some reason it's all a big film and I think it's funny they've introduced this character that everyone should've already known, like he was there the whole time in previous seasons, but wasn't.
At this point everything transitioned into a big wooden hall kind of building where a presentation was going on by some kind of science lady. There was a map of Africa or some such continent with countries that didn't exist, and she was drawing a line through it that contradicted the line draw by this guy in the crowd who worked in the same field, but because he's a scientist he appreciated the correction. All of a sudden the room was full of people none of us knew (us being... us, whatever that means), and they were from a fancy University. Dressed super well, I found myself complimenting a number of them, including this guy in a greyblue sweater with sticks and leaves coming out of it, and this other dude with a red d6 with white dots instead of a pupil in his left eye (possibly wearing a tophat). There was some rude room-wide chatter towards me during the presentation that I tried to dodge. Someone on a swivel chair next to me grabbed my swivel chair and we rolled around the room a few times. At some point I peed in the bathroom and had the sneaking suspicion that there were weiner spies about. I left the hall twice after the presentation... it was very dark and a party had started (but not before the presenters had plugged their apps on the iTunes and Google Play stores). Both times I had to walk down a very narrow path between some "stuff" -- the first time it was all people sitting on bleachers, and the second they had been replaced with these black flowers. The bleachers were gone and the ground had turned to sand. Outside it was also dark and I wandered down the side of the road a bit to find a nice secluded place to finishing peeing. Andy from Wet Hot American Summer showed up and we did that whole thing where he says something before I see him, but I know it's him so I say something rude and badass back, and then I turned around and we're like "heeeey!!!!!" and do a sort of gimme five thing. He didn't look like Paul Rudd at all. More like a cross between a young Ebenezer Scrooge and modern day Martin Starr.
And then I was a proto-human running through the woods. Some kind of narrator had just explained that this was how early man merged with apes. There was one other proto-human with me and we were quickly approaching a big bonfire where apes were jumping around. They saw us and came to attack, but we snagged big sticks on the way and did some serious kung fu shit at them.
August 6, 2017
Dreamt that I found out my dad was dead by being presented with the lower half of his body -- disconnected with force from the upper half. Dined at Pizza Toilet, and became a vigilante based on using information from ghosts.
May 13, 2017
I got divorced, may have been electrocuted by a plate of steamed potatoes, and went to live in a foster home for mentally deficient people run by Nichelle Nichols (who, for some reason, had bandages all over her face). Got a job sweeping off the grass in NYC around the early hours of the morning. Decent sunrises, bad pay, chance encounters with people possibly important to the future.
April 21, 2017
Some of us OSU art dept. brats drove a covered wagon to Maddie Corbin's place, which was down a dirt road. Milla went in, but I got chased for a few miles by a chicken with a pus-yellow human face, but with a really long nose (like my Impersonators series). Wound up high above earth in a freeway made from gigantic prehistoric logs and fast moving water (see: Bubsy, 1993), which crashed into a movie theater, which wound up being in another dimension run by an invisible evil. With portals all over the place, I wound up coming out in Adair Village, and remember thinking "fuck, I have to walk all the way back."
April 15, 2017
I keep having dreams I'm being attacked by dogs and grabbing them by the jaw, pulling their faces apart, and crushing their skulls; eyeballs coming out, teeth stuck in my hands, skin all over. The most distinct part is not knowing why I'm doing it, and clearly not wanting to; the feeling of continuing something just because you were already doing it. It's always really drawn out and it takes them forever to die.
January 17, 2017
I often dream about these constructs -- things to be arranged, accomplished, things I feel compelled to do. Obsessions, in a way. When I wake up, even within seconds, I can't explain what they are. Not to myself or anyone. Like they don't exist; in a way much more profound than, say, a flying dog doesn't exist (not the same as a launched dog...). As in, they don't seem to appeal to reality enough to understand consciously.
November 19, 2016
Worms and insects starting squeezing themselves out of a wound in my stomach.
November 19, 2015
Headbutted my Dad's pit bull terrier (who had turned brown) in an RV on the freeway and was about to use his mind as a node to control nearby electronics with my thoughts.
October 24, 2015
Somehow I was pregnant and the only way they could get it out of me when I went into labor was to saw it out while I was still conscious. People kept asking what I was going to name it and I remember being unable to concentrate because I was too scared.
September 26, 2015
I was performing this horrible, needlessly insane prank on this poor business man, complete with him running around engaging in all kinds of slapstick atrocity, like rushing through a plate glass door after fleeing clients rather than opening it, etc. One part that stands out though was when he was talking to these snobby clients and they were like "Oh, my french home is totally decked out in Italian" and I just lost it, slipped out of character and was like "My god, what the fuck is next? Eating hot dogs with hamburger buns?!" And that's when I just burst out laughing and woke up.
September 10, 2015
7:30am, it was still dark and I was walking to Zack Woods place for his birthday party. I got there, realized I had no gift, so I went to a store and bought two big KFC (yes, KFC) brand beers. I was going to head back but somehow wound up at my family's farmhouse and hung out with Danielle Beaver. She was naked, but this is not out of the ordinary. We went out back and found a vintage 60's motorcycle bicycle with a really cool chain and I was like "even if it doesn't work I can just ride it like a bike." Then my brother showed up with his fiancee, but were incoherent because they bought joints at the airport and were high as fuck. I went to say hi to my brother and he just flopped on the ground and barrel rolled out of the room, which I have to admit is an impressive feat. I then walked back out into the living room where a family party was happening, but left again because Jessie's Girl started playing, and I'd been too the bar too many times recently to want to hear it again. I peed in a bathroom that had been shot up by a gun or something and then wandered out to our cow pasture. I saw some weird beast and was like oh fuck, it's a giant boar that's all bigger than the cows and shit, and it's attacking them. I yelled at my mom to go tell my dad so he could shoot it to death like dads do, but she was deaf for some reason. The cows freaked out and jumped over the fence and started attacking me, so I defended myself with a cinder block and a tree branch.
September 24, 2014
Lobsters, crab alien insects living in dirt clumps on the window screen, politicians in the family pool with their suits on trying to be my daddy, being out in the ocean, back in high school drinking two sodas at once with video taped classrooms.
August 6, 2014
Was cleaning out an old attic studio space and was first attacked by this lizard bug, and then some kind of extra vicious mammal. It was part dog, part raccoon, part lemur and some other stuff. It spit out these worm things that would dissolve your skin. We kept trying to trap it and it didn't work -- every time it got out it would nest back in the house, go after the cats, babies, adults, etc. Nobody took me seriously about how dangerous it was, so I got it around the neck and wrapped it in a plastic bag. I used a plastic children's sword to slowly chop bits off of it, eventually cutting its head off. It didn't stop moving until this big artery was severed. Bits of meat and shit were all over. It was all very vile.
July 19, 2014
I discovered 'the force,' which wasn't so much a star wars thing as a reality bending thing. I think Tom Hanks, Bill Murray and a kid with a Yoda mask on were in charge. Cary Elwes was an assassin. I used my power to beat the living hell out of the entire world, and became revered as the supreme master of the force. Tom Hanks joined my team. At one point I morphed into a child and nearly got hit by a car running across a road with my bike. On the other side was an industrial job of some sort, and tons of giant crab legs. Also, there was a tent with all sorts of charms dangling, left there in memory of the dead. I was pretty impressed that nobody stole any of it, then said wait a second, I'm master of the force. And took a bunch of shit and nobody could do anything about it. I later met at some gala in a castle with a bunch of force leaders. I beat Cary Elwes ass on the stairs by causing his entire body to shake really fast until his bones broke down. Sorry dude. There was some force movie going on first and you couldn't sit anywhere because it was raining oil all over the benches. Later, with the force leaders.... they all looked kinda like aliens and had fish tanks with sentient nudibranch beings, and the sentience was proven by way of them eating their own bulbous bodies with tiny knives and forks. Then some crazy shit with turtles and fish and sharks and alligators happened. Some asshole kept putting this construct over peoples heads and shoulders then sticking them in the tank and letting a huge gator bite it. Fun I guess. Everyone thought I was awesome and we went up to a spaceship where Murray, yoda mask kid and other powerful force leaders were trying to take over the world. I promptly ninja killed them in ways I cannot describe, but would have given Michael Bay a huge boner.
July 6, 2014
Post-apocalyptic mall. Lied about where I parked so it seemed like the parking ticket was given unfairly. Car was full of food, silky-haired person in a green jacket I knew from high school, but didn't actually exist, got in and we almost drove off a cliff. Went back in the mall, saw Audrey Macmillan dressed in some weird Jem-Meets-Hooker silver outfit and was hanging out with a bunch of goth kids I knew from high school (these weren't real either) who were dressed slightly less stupidly. Musings were made. Drove into a zoo backwards to turn around and went through the McDonald's drive through to get around. Parked, went to go down some stairs and realized the set on the right were all fucked up and people were falling off to their doom. Next thing I know, I'm helping move stuff from a house onto a pirate ship to escape the technologically advanced Imperial Fleet. At one point I transformed into Joffrey from Game of Thrones and said "I don't know Jack shit about pirating, but I'm a fast learner." Also, Cassie Cassaundra Schutz and Danielle Beaver were actin' real slutty, and Ian Lechowicz, unrelated, kept pulling his weiner out and blaming it on PTSD.
June 28, 2014
Those things that happen in life that absolutely cannot be reversed, and you immediately regret them.... a lot of that.
June 24, 2014
Time traveled from a tech firm / big box store with 200 people from different parts of my life, and quite a few I didn't know. An old woman thought she and I were dating, which is weird because she wouldn't watch the movie that was on for more than five minutes without making out with this mutant. Parties, office buildings in the future. At one point I had to beat the shit out of our two de facto leaders because they wanted to stay in the future for dumbass reasons directly stemming from the fact that they were in love with each other but pretended to be straight. When I stomped the first one down, who looked like Peter Petrelli, he turned into a rag doll and his wounds became multicolored stripes. The next guy I chucked off a balcony and he fell through the top of a roasted peanuts cart. Somehow everyone then ended up on a 16th century wooden, floating boat dock thing for crazy pirates. They again wanted to stay, but it's like, someone was going to notice that Chelsea had purple fucking hair and that there was a group of goths in the corner. Somehow I time traveled back on my own, got some special key and came back to save them. They were all pretty pleased, but didn't recognize my badassness Whatever. I don't need no thanks for saving the space time continuum.
Also featured characters from Chuck and a walrus.
June 16, 2014
Dropped a magic kettle in a big dusty room full of terrible little monster dinosaur skeletons made out of clay. Because it was disturbed, it started streaming out an infinite number of egyptian thingie people that could run really fast and throw fireballs (but the fireballs sucked; slow and didn't go far). I could pull chocolate up off the floor and stretch it into whips that would kill them. If they touched you, the peanut butter on them would either kill you or make you one of them. Eventually got turned into one of them and it was okay because they were cool, it turned out. Two dudes running away on a train car, then. One had been peanut buttered and the other hadn't. the non-peanut buttered dude's wife had been killed. So he touched some peanut butter on the train car and then the two dudes made out.
Later everything was in a police station / school. All the walls would rearrange themselves so certain hallways got longer and shorter. No biggie, just part of the job. Lots of arcade machines, but they all sucked. Something about a building / shack I owned, other people... some kinda group we were in, something was stolen, a painting I think. Couldn't find the right goddamn form to fill out a criminal whatsits. Gave a speech on art at Aomatsu that I couldn't remember and was congratulated by a waitress that was collecting lemons with strips of baloney hanging off of them.
Something else about a field trip. And there was a clock with a felt face that had broken and some plastic bit was sticking out. Couldn't manage to fix it.
May 11, 2014
Ra's al Ghul had his own line of furniture at IKEA.
May 6, 2014
The long and short of this one was that demons were coming through portals, and they were made of styrofoam (although they didn't look it). I could rip their heads off and tear the chest cavities open.... soup came out. Like, cup-o-noodles. I guess this was amusing enough, because I went on murdering these things for what seemed like an hour.
April 18, 2014
I have a rambunctious pet bear. Didn't really look much like a bear, but there you have it. Doesn't sound like much, but you should have seen that crazy fucker.
April 16, 2014
Cloned Wembles with a bit of Yuri DNA to make him orange. He got into a fight with himself. Then I took a leak and couldn't stop peeing, so after about 10 minutes I just said fuck it, and left the bathroom, peeing everywhere. I had no choice. I wasn't going to live my life in front of the toilet.
March 26, 2014
I was a cop and lost my job somehow so I ended up working at Pizza Hut again. Then Danielle found out how to shove insects and bottles of paint and kittens into Wembles' vagina (he's a boy) where he would later give birth to them and we'd battle the objects using Nintendo controllers hooked up to some kind of transmitter.
March 24, 2014
Something about hatching pit bull doggy dragons from eggs in an old house. My first one was blue, which is what you get when you breed a grey and a white. Stuff got tore up and I had to choke one out. The living room was outside and had a whole neighborhood in it, which contained people in wheelchairs working on their cars. I also vaguely remember Danielle inviting a bunch of hipsters in the house, who were loud as hell at like five in the morning and pissed me off.
March 13, 2014
Was carrying around a tree trunk with one end whittled into a handle. Could look up at the moon and yell "By the power of castle greyskull!" and then smash shit to pieces. Lesson learned: He-Man lives on the moon.
December 30, 2013
Joined the military. Skipped training and joined an all girl unit. Slept on overflowing toilets full of piss (gotta save water!). Not a whole lot of people seemed as concerned with getting killed as they were getting cheated on. Just knew I was going to get stuck on the team with teal or yellow shirts instead of black. Wondered how the fuck that'd be good for camouflage, and then figured I'd get black simply because I never do... whatever that means. Family party was next, flights paid for assuredly by the US of A. Was informed that my only weapon out there was to be a really long electric knife... knife. Didn't even get the fuckin' electric part. Ian Lechowicz showed up and had an upsidedown monster energy drink tattoo on his neck. I guess that's sorta badass. Knew his way around, although kept blowing off my questions to visit the tiki bar outside. Sidebar: probably trying to find someone to staple a cock to their forehead.
Apparently the moon in Afghanistan is really, really big. And made of clouds.
December 29, 2013
I have to leave most of this one out, but for the part I can discuss... there was some kind of event on a freeway system that went around the outside of a Colosseum of sorts. Some little girl was supposed to bring all these pedophiles, and all sorts of people showed up to beat the shit out of them, but the cops just started teargassing everyone and I got it right in the face, but shrugged it off because I was a badass. Then I got asked to help by this orange cop (he was orange) so I ran around after him holding the radio while he, well, he just ran around. Didn't really do anything. Afterwards, I went down some really long stairs to a swampland compound where a wedding was going on and I heard a bunch of people curse a lot who don't in my daily life, mainly while I was taking a piss (again I failed to pee myself in my sleep). Also, there was a lot of confusion as to which way a large number of bisexuals tended to swing. Danielle Beaver came into the boys bathroom and barfed while crying because someone didn't give her a "super hug" when she offered, and it meant that they weren't friends anymore.
December 27, 2013
Was at some Columbian beach culture celebration that had a school and an old house with a classic stone, Catholic church at the end. At one point there was this chronic masturbating priest trying to beat off on a toilet in a bathroom with no door. Every time he'd get going, someone would come down the hall or out of a doorway and he'd have to stop. Every time the person went away, a new one would appear and the guy started getting really pissed off. Later I was leaving a school and wanted to catch a ride with Ian Lechowicz, but he was wearing this really silly white w/pastel striped sweater around his neck and I thought, fuck that. So I took the cellphone I had in Germany, put in a "secret code" which opened a hole in the brick wall like a magic door and tossed it in. After that I wound up at William Tatum's 'bachelor pad' where he was dressed up in a moomoo, and when asked why, he said "because Africa culture party is tomorrow and I'm heading out early."
Also, I had to pee, so I was looking for a toilet the whole time. Thank god I didn't find one, or else I'd have probably pissed myself.
December 19, 2013
I'm going to start formally posting my dreams, although I'm not going to start with yesterday because I banged a robotic dog and wouldn't want to share that.
So I was stuck moving back to Florida for some reason, which was terrible, and I was working at a pizza hut that was inside of a barn. Long story short, on the outside horses were jumping off the roof into a big pool, and as I went to walk around the side of the barn this one horse started getting in my face. So I pushed it away and it got pissed and started like, horse-attacking me. Two well-timed dodges and an uppercut later, I had the thing in a kind of head-and-ass-lock wrapped around my back and shoulders like one of those rubber pool noodles. I took it back out front and this lady got incredibly pissed that I had harmed her horse. "Well maybe next time you won't train a fuckin' attack horse you stupid bitch," says I. And I asked her where to release it, but she fucked off and disappeared (typical human being) so I just let the damn thing go and it went running around all willy nilly.
There were some pizza hut antics that involved high fiving my old boss while I had a penny stuck to my hand, and helping some dumbass get out of the freezer. Reminded me of how much I like meaningless, unchanging labor, because every time I walked away from a singular task I'd turn around and some dillhole was doing my job. Made me uncomfortable.
September 24, 2013
Chased by Swiss double agent, a clone as well, which happens to be an anthropomorphic German shepherd that can dance and won't get off the back of my skateboard. I'm skating around Corvedinburg, searching for trees that have magically grown up through the floorboards. I work for a shadowy, but righteous institution of "board ninjas" that are controlled by members of the Russian Federation from 200 million years in the past.